1.01 There's No Such Thing As Vampires

"You seriously drink this stuff? What is it, like, non-fat, soy, vegan blood?"

"I am relaxed. This is relaxed. You're only 90. You've never been chased by a torch-bearing mob."

Josef: Vampire solidarity. Rah, rah, rah and all that.
Mick: Hey, and don't forget. I'm your only friend who doesn't like you just for your money.
Josef: It's true. Sad, but true.

1.05 Arrested Development

"So how's it going since, uh, happy hour?"

Josef: Boy, a lot's changed in 400 years.
Mick: Yeah, there's no regular cat houses anymore.
Josef: Another casualty of the digital age. Now it's categories. Blondes, Asians, Busty, Mature... Equestrian.
Mick: Hmm...
Josef: Choice, choice, choice. It's very efficient, very...American.
Mick: You sound almost nostalgic.
Josef: Whatever happened to the good old days of four girls on a street corner undercutting each another?

1.06 B.C.

Josef: You know when I met her, she was building a pirate army.
Mick: A pirate army?
Josef: You know, back in the day you could do that kind of thing.

1.07 The Ringer

"So, this is how the little people live. Ah, vinyl recliners. Have 'crazed killer' written all over them, don't they?"

1.09 Fleur De Lis

Josef: When it comes to Coraline, Mick doesn't think with his big head. You have to understand...Mick and Coraline's relationship was one of those terrifying, completely self-destructive freakshows that you spend your whole life searching for, knowing it can only end in one or both of you dead.
Beth: That's your idea of love?
Josef: Well, what can I tell you? I'm a romantic.

1.10 Sleeping Beauty

"Oh, you’re just gonna stand there all day or you going to help me find out who killed me?"

Josef: Hey, you’re back!
Mick: Sorry, sorry. Party’s over.
Josef: Excuse me but they just got here.
Mick: What did I tell you?
Josef: You told me not to go out, so I ordered in.
Mick: What, do you got a death wish? Get ‘em out of here. Now!
Josef: I’m sorry, ladies, but daddy’s a little grumpy. We’re gonna have to pick this up later.

(Regarding Sara) "I wasn’t looking for it, believe me. The longer we were together, the more I began to think that the whole reason that I became a vampire was, you know, so I could live long enough to meet her. It took me over 350 years to find her and only a year to lose her forever."

Josef: What are you using back there? Barbeque thongs?
Mick: Will you hold still? I’m trying to get the second bullet. You know, for a 400 year old vampire, you sure have a low threshold for pain.
Josef: Well, giving is different than receiving.

1.12 The Mortal Cure

Mick: The talker was big: 6'1", 200 lbs, dark hair. I don't know. Strong, confident...
Josef: Sounds like someone's got a crush, huh?

1.13 Fated To Pretend

Mick: What are you doing here?
Josef: Guillermo called me, said you were going to do something stupid. I said, "Wait! That can't be the Mick I know."

Mick: Your name came up in connection with a story that Maureen was working on.
Josef: Was her body found in the La Brea Tar pits?
Beth: No.
Josef: That was the only person I killed this week.

1.14 Click

Mick: Don't worry, Dad. I'll, uh, I'll be careful.
Josef: Don't call me that.
Mick: Well, you did turn me.
Josef: Re-turned you. Re-turned. And you were going to become a vampire again, anyway. I'm not your sire.
Mick: You're kind of my step-sire though.

Josef: No. Now, you want to know what I was going to say? I was going to say Tierney reminds me of Jean Harlow.
Mick: You went out with Jean Harlow?
Josef: I mostly stayed in with Jean Harlow.

1.15 What's Left Behind

Mick: So, are we going to find your designers at the bottom of the tar pits?
Josef: Mick, please. I don't have the energy to kill everyone who pisses me off. I have to hire some people.

Mick: The boy who was kidnapped? He might be my grandson.
Josef: I know. I hope you get the kid back. Your last contribution to the human gene pool, huh?
Mick: Yeah, I guess he is.
Josef: Unless you and Beth, uh, rewrite the rules of vampire love and figure out how to...procreate [Josef sees Beth]. Hi, Beth. Beth's here.

1.16 Sonata

Beth: This is great. I feel like I'm back at my high school prom.
Josef: You know prom really wasn't really big back in the 1700's. High school either. The Plague. The Plague was big.
Beth: So, what’s your connection to Hearst? Did you attend the college?
Josef: No, no. I founded it. Lost a bet with William Randolph.

Josef: Hi, Beth! We were just having drinks.
Beth: I can see that!
Simone: We should go...
Josef: But this is so awkward. I love awkward.

Searching For Sonny (2011) Role: Elliot Knight Status: Currently filming

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